Dashboard › Module 4 › Lesson 1
Three Things You Want From Every Interaction
Most conflicts go bad because you're chasing three different things at once and you don't even know it. You want the outcome, you want the relationship intact, and you want to feel okay about yourself afterward — and you trip over all three because you've never named them. Name them, and you stop sabotaging one to get another.
Full teaching script
Hook
Most conflicts go bad because you're chasing three different things at once and you don't even know it. You want the outcome, you want the relationship intact, and you want to feel okay about yourself afterward — and you trip over all three because you've never named them. Name them, and you stop sabotaging one to get another.
The three objectives
In any interaction, you want three things. One: the objective — what you're actually asking for, the concrete thing you want to happen. Two: the relationship — how this person feels about you after the conversation is over. And three: your self-respect — how you feel about yourself after. Most fights, you win one of these and lose the other two. You get the outcome but torch the relationship. Or you keep the peace but abandon yourself. The skill is holding all three on purpose.
Decide the priority
Here's the move that changes everything, and it takes ten seconds before a hard conversation: decide which of the three matters most this time. Because it's different every time. Returning a defective product to a stranger you'll never see again? Objective is king — you don't care if the clerk likes you. Talking to your mother about something tender? The relationship might matter more than winning the point. Setting a boundary someone keeps stepping over? Your self-respect is the whole game. Naming the priority tells you which skill to lead with.
Why this wall is hard
And let me be honest about why this wall is the hard one. The room is not soundproof. Other people are the single most unpredictable force you will ever deal with, and here's the catch — you can't TIPP another person. You can't run your internal regulation skills on someone else's behavior. They have their own walls, their own chains, their own bad days. So for this wall, we don't rely on internal skills. We train specific scripts — actual words, in an actual order — because when it's tense, you don't want to be improvising. There's a skill for each of the three objectives, and we start with the big one next.
The rep
Your rep: before your next hard conversation — and you probably have one coming — decide which of the three matters most. Objective, relationship, or self-respect. Just that one choice, made on purpose ahead of time, will change how you show up, because you'll stop accidentally fighting for the wrong one. Next lesson — the script for getting what you actually need: DEAR MAN.
Slides / on-screen
Do this now
Your rep: before your next hard conversation — and you probably have one coming — decide which of the three matters most. Objective, relationship, or self-respect. Just that one choice, made on purpose ahead of time, will change how you show up, because you'll stop accidentally fighting for the wrong one. Next lesson — the script for getting what you actually need: DEAR MAN.
Your rep: before your next hard conversation — and you probably have one coming — decide which of the three matters most…
This is education, not therapy. In crisis, call or text 988 (US Suicide & Crisis Lifeline).